August 22, 2012

Porning

Every now and again, I find women who aren't exactly in touch with their feminine side. In touch being the go to phrase. And by in touch, I mean, women who don't touch their feminine side. Masturbation. I myself have always been a dirty, filthy wanker. 

Which is why when the Pankhearst CEOs approached and asked for a follow-up erotica storey to what I already submitted for Cars & Girls, I thought. Easy as pie. Except, I wasn't to work alone. Zoe Spencer, girl of my dreams, love of my life, and all around innocent bobble, was given the task as well. Needless to say, my wide-eyed and sexually ambivalent best friend was in need of a little...how shall I say...coaching. Guidance  Brainstorming. 

Of course, I gave her a hand. Two in fact. 

If you want to hear her account of the story, she wrote about her experience here.

From what I can remember, and it is a bit hazy, we decided to squirrel away in a super secret local and practice our porning. After many bottles of wine, probably the reason for the thick haze, and a fair amount of bread consumed. We produced something I never thought I'd be capable of writing. Not-so-horrible fan-fiction called Fifty Shades of Green where the Hulk shows Pepper Pots his little monster. Oh, Bruce.

Oh, and ten pounds were gained. Combined, you silly ninnies. I'd have to eat my weight in sweets to gain ten pounds in two days. As much as I love pastries and cakes and biscuits, I don't think I'd be able to manage 9 stone in forty-eight hours.

I'm proud to say, Zoe is now in touch with her feminine side. She no longer thinks the act of self-pleasuring is a sin that will mar her pristine soul and give her a one way ticket to hell. Mostly because I lied to her and told her it was a completely normal and natural thing. I figure if I have to go to hell, she has to come with me. 

Our rough copies have been submitted for approval. We are waiting on word. Until then, I am going to look for ways to ease my hand cramp.

  


August 8, 2012

Holidays

I took July off unintentionally.

If you miss my blogs, I have been drafting the occasional one for the Pankhearst gals. Although according to E & T, I am a Pankhearst gal. It's hard to get used to being part of something like this. Not because they are crazy birds and hard to work with. Though they are crazy. Because I've never done anything like this before. 

It's long past my bedtime. I actually went to sleep and woke up to the rain hitting my window. A lovely way to be brought back from the sleeping dead. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get back to la-la-land. Or dreamland, whatever you prefer to call it.  

I've been thinking about this writing endeavour. 

Is it for me? 

They say a lot of writers have doubts. 

Are they this clawing? This relentless? 

I like what I've written so far, but I'm not a natural. It takes me a long time to craft something. Sometimes I grow envious of how easily others wield the mighty pen. Or keyboards. But wielding keyboards doesn't seem plausible. 

It could be lack of sleep talking.

London is a madhouse. So I'll be up visiting Zoe this weekend. I'm sure she'll coddle some sense into me. No matter what happens in life I know she'll always take care of me. She's my pet. 

Bollocks to writing. Cheers to the upcoming getaway. 



June 29, 2012

Zoe


Relationships are hard.

All of them. Not just the kind between lovers.


Take for example Zoe. My best mate who keeps me going when the towel so needs to be tossed in. 

She posted a blog today all about how boring her life is. You can read it here.

The reality is, her life isn't nearly as boring as she makes it out to be. So what if she still lives at home and doesn't have a boyfriend. It isn't like I'm beating the men off with a stick either, and my one bedroom flat is a bit on the depressing side. She's single by choice, though. At home by choice too. And she lives in a gorgeous place. Utterly stunning.

Last year she was dating this bloke I absolutely couldn't stand. Bit of a prat, he was. Treated her like a Queen though. Looking back, I'm sure I was just jealous because he took up her time. Since she lives in the country and I up in grimy London, I don't get to see her as much. When she has a boy kicking about, I see her even less. That's not a moan or anything. Just saying I love the extra time together us being single gives. 


What I'm going on about is, I don't know how I've managed to keep her interested.

Friendships are often like girlfriend/boyfriend relationships. There are ups and downs. Fights. Cattiness. You have to keep the other person interested. Romance them from time to time. Make them feel important.

Sometimes I forget to do that.

And then there's the mocking. Which I can only apologise for.




May 29, 2012

Apologies

I feel the need to apologise for my disappearance. It isn't that I don't love you. And I do feel guilty about not checking in. But the cold, hard fact is that I've been busy. Really busy. Too busy to post important blog updates and keep my two followers entertained.

What have I been up to?

I've been working hard with the girls over at Pankhearst to turn out some quality writing. I'm part of a collaborative effort to deliver punchy stories to an eager public. That's you!

Hopefully I will have something to show you soon. You can read a bit of my story on the website linked above and I highly encourage you to take a gander. I imagine this is going to be hugely successful and you will all want to be on board from the word go.

Also, please take a look at my friend Zoe's blog. She is far lovelier than I will ever be and blogs more often as well.

May 3, 2012

Mental Illness

Yesterday I participated in a discussion on Twitter for LitChat. This was the first time I'd ever done something like this. It was, to say the least, interesting. The subject was mental illness in literature. I wasn't sure the protocol for interacting, so I started out by simply mentioning books I knew that had main characters who were affected by mental illness, or books which were centralised around it.

After several suggestions, the conversation turned to why characters with these disorders are so engaging and memorable.

I ventured a guess that it is because all of us have been touched by mental illness. Meaning, we all know someone who has battled these diseases, if not ourselves. Whether they are trying to battle through depression, struggling with an eating disorder, or working to come to terms with schizophrenia. We have been witnesses to how close minded society is when it comes to these sorts of illnesses.

If we don't see a wound it's hard to come to terms with the sickness.

The books which touch on or centralise around mental health interest us because it is exploring an area so many of us live, but which society treats as taboo.

This is just a fleeting blog post on what was discussed, but I would like to see a light shone on mental illness. So people can understand it and realise how numbing and life changing it is. Not to mention how rampant.

Here are ten books and their links which touch on mental illness:

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
I Know This Much Is True
Hamlet
Girl, Interrupted
Fight Club
Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time
She's Come Undone
The Gargoyle 
The Bell Jar
Prozac Nation


April 22, 2012

The Feminist Porn Awards

I read this article about The Feminist Porn Awards. Yes, there is feminist porn. No, I wasn't aware of it until I stumbled upon the article.

As the story goes, some critics were concerned these pornographic videos aren't feminist at all. A bit baffling, but as I delved around the internet, I noticed a few disconcerting stigmas attached to feminism.

There seems to be this misconception that there is no room for sexuality or sexual enjoyment when it comes to feminism or being a feminist. That's a little worrisome for me. As I think feminism is sexy. And men who are pro-feminist, that's a very real turn on. Nothing like equal rights to get me all hot and bothered.

My question is, where in the rule book does it say being a feminist means you cannot enjoy sex? Or men? Or penises? Or dirty movies?

This make come as a shock, but some women like sex. And some women like porn. And according to breaking news, some feminists like sex and porn. And, to throw the world completely off kilter, some feminists like sex and porn and being submissive.

I'm not too sure why feminism is so hard for people to understand.

It is not about striping away our sexuality and becoming asexual, unfeminine burlap sack wearing nuns. It's about equal rights. It's the movement which advocates the social, political and other rights of women to be equal to those of men.

Simply put, men have the right to watch and enjoy porn, to be submissive in the sack or dominant - women should too.


It's true the pornography industry has a very shady belly most of us wouldn't want to explore while suited up in riot gear. A lot of pornography centres around women being degraded and controlled. Women are slapped, spat on, used and abused in a vast array of 'films'. There is the whole humiliation, rape fantasy scene which seems to have become very popular, but which mostly just scares the living daylights out of me.

Sure, women in porn will vow up and down that they love their jobs, and I'm sure many of them do, but we cannot deny there is a certain air of intimidation in a lot of porn. Lately, the trend does seem to be very misogynistic. But, that doesn't change the fact that there is a lot of other porn out there. And it doesn't change the fact that some women prefer the masochistic sexual endeavours. This does not make them women haters or anti-feminism. It just means they like more colourful ways of rocking their socks.

I understand what I am saying could bring up a very heated argument. But a very wise friend of mine recently said, 'Sex does not define you. It's just an expression of elements of your psyche. It has nothing to do with real feminist issues.' 

And I will leave it at that and go check out what exactly feminist porn is. Colour me curious. 

April 7, 2012

Hairless Wonder

Question: when did women start being hairless? For some reason, I wasn't informed. Maybe I should have invested in the new Vogue or Cosmo.

The other day I was on the train and trying my best not to make eye contact with weary travellers around me when two young, nubile girls perched across from me. Of course, I turned down my tunes so I could take a listen to their conversation.

The young women, who couldn't have been older than twenty, were talking about hair removal and how they needed to get their bodies waxed. Not their legs and underarms, but their arms, stomachs and even backs. Then they expressed how desperately they wanted laser removal of all the hair on their bodies, except the obvious.

And I thought, when did it become cool to have no hair?

To be up front with you, I'm not a fan of the prepubescent look sweeping the nation. If you ask me, which you haven't, it looks a bit on the noncey side. The least amount I'm willing to participate in is a landing strip. I won't even get into how ridiculous the tiny, wee tuft of hair that some of the porn stars are sporting looks. It simply looks as though it was left behind by accident.

All I'm saying is, if we were intended to be hairless, we would have been created in the image of the Chinese Crested Terrier. The hair is important. If not to tell us what, or who, is prime to play field hockey, then to protect us from the elements. And where will it stop? What happens when the powers that be decide it's sexy to NOT have eyebrows and eyelashes? What then?

Not only do I find the little girl look cringe worthy and unattractive, but who has the time to invest in such overzealous hair removal?

Certainly not I. After all, I barely have time to comb out these locks of mine. Bedhead is sexy, right?


Is it cold in here? 

March 14, 2012

Photoshop By Adobe

I read an article a week ago about how this woman was up in arms about the Adobe Photoshop commercial. To summerise, she wasn't happy with how they were encouraging people to use photoshop to make themselves look more fetching. Unfortunately, she failed to post the link to the video. Taking it upon my self, I went on a search for it to see what this hen was squawking about.

Turns out, she simply doesn't understand satire. 

Here's the video: 


People really need to pick their battles more wisely. It's clear to me Adobe is poking fun at cosmetic ads. In the end, this woman looked like a fool. In order not to make her feel like a complete boob, I've refrained from posting a link to her blog. Have no fear, though. I did post her a comment, which she never approved. 

As I researched this photoshop travesty, I came across another website that made me laugh.

Thirty Horrific Commercial Photoshop Disasters

In case any of you need a chuckle on this overcast and sprinkling Wednesday. 

March 8, 2012

Female On Female Hate Crimes

Nothing gets under my skin more than cat fights.

What happened to our united front? 

No woman likes it when a man calls them a 'slut' or 'bitch', but they throw these words at other girls like dart players aiming for a bullseye. 

I say, double standards no more!

If you want men to respect you enough not to think you're a whore if you spend time with blokes or wear short skirts, then you need you to serve up a little common decency for you fellow girls in arms. It's time to form a collective to put an end to bombshell battles. They are pointless and counter-productive. 

We're all out here together. Stop tossing about catty comments and take up a better cause than ripping your sisters to pieces. Just something to think about on International Women's Day.


February 29, 2012

The Ouch Factor

Sometimes it's painful being a woman.

This morning, I took a long, hot shower and realised how sore my body was. Not from anything special. I haven't been wrestling any ogres lately. A dull ache tensed my shoulders and back. My breasts were tender to the touch. My own touch; if anyone else had of given them a fondle I would have ended their life. It was the throbbing pulse of pain in my vaginal region that made me confront how uncomfortable being a woman is.

I wonder what men would think if they experienced this sort of pain. Complete head to baby toe discomfort. Unrelenting, no matter how many Ibuprofens you pop back like sweeties. Women the world over go through these sorts of things every day. I'm not the first. I won't be the last. We don't curl up in bed and sleep the day away, either. We go to work. Raise our children. Volunteer. We play through the pain.

No one is none the wiser.

Then again, there are always the insensitive blokes who make comments about it being 'that time of the month'. I wonder if they understood what exactly 'that time of the month' entailed, whether they'd be so careless in tossing these statements about

Simply put, I don't know of very many men who can suffer gas, bloating, breast pain, cramping and back aches while wearing a pad or having a wad of cotton shoved up inside them. I'm not even going to get into the degrees of nasty when changing a tampon or sanitary napkin.

My final thought is, women are tough. Second sex, my arse.

February 18, 2012

8, 12, 14

The title of this post is not the code to the safe in my closet where I hide all my riches and alternate identification cards. It's the size tag that goes along with the picture shown below.

This snapshot of three very attractive women caught my eye, not only because I like brunettes, but because of the caption. It stated women's ideal size is eight, which us what the lady on the left represents, but that men would rather have a size size twelve, the middle model, or fourteen, woman on the right. 


When I saw the comments being posted underneath this photo on another blog, I was a little shocked. Men and women dug in to debate which one of these ladies was the hottest. This made me sad because, in my opinion, all three of these women are attractive. In this case, size does not matter. Each one of these bonny belles have physical attributes I'd be happy to handle, if given the opportunity. 

And I'm sure they are all dynamic, witty girls with greats senses of humour. Let's not forget what's on the inside, because that counts, right? 

Right? 


February 12, 2012

Pro-Feminist

Why is it people think in order to be a feminist you have to be angry, listen to indie-girl-rock, have dreads, be unwashed and hate men?

That's all poppycock. Not to mention, a stereotype. And not a very good one. I bathe all the time and very rarely get angry.


I'm proof you can be a feminist and still love cock.


To spell it out, feminism is:
  • the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men 
  • an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women. 
Yes, it is that simple.

Women who support feminism are feminists. It has nothing to do with how long their leg hair is or whether or not they spell women with a 'y'. People who rant on about the spelling of 'women' are fighting the wrong battle. There are so many bigger issues to be tackled. Let's not waste manpower over such silly, inconsequential things as the spelling of a word.

Did you know men can support feminism?

In fact, many do.

These decent human beings of the male gender are referred to as 'pro-feminists'. There is a very wonderful blog called A Radical Profeminist and, if you're interested in reading a guy's take on the whole kit and caboodle, I suggest visiting him.  His blog exists to "challenge white heterosexual male supremacy as an institutionalized ideology and a systematized set of practices which are misogynistic, heterosexist, racist, genocidal, and ecocidal." 


I like people who aren't sexist, racist, homophobes. 


Is that stating the obvious?

February 8, 2012

IPeriod

There is an application for IPhones called IPeriod. If you guessed that this is a punctuation app to let you know when to put a full stop at the end of  your sentences. You are wrong.

It's to help women keep track of their period.

And they said countdowns were just for special occasions. Now you can have one each month! 

I, for one, have never had any trouble mapping out my menstrual cycle. Probably because, after thirty years on this Earth, and seventeen of those surfing the crimson wave, I know when to expect it. Every three weeks.

Unfortunately, I don't have an IPhone to try this handy app out. I did ask my friend, but he refused to let me download it from the marketplace. Despite the sarcasm threaded throughout this blog, I am actually interested to see how this works. For the most part, women are as different as snowflakes and our periods are no exception. Heavy, light, clotty, long, short, spotty, thick. I wonder how this app adapts to our cycles.

According to the ITunes store, this is the 'Top IPhone App For Busy Women".

If that's not convincing, I don't know what is.

On another note, I'm looking forward to IErection. The IPhone app that tells men when they have the horn. 

Just because I'm cynical about this and my eyebrow is cocked, doesn't mean I'm not going to provide you with the link.

You're welcome.

February 4, 2012

Emma Watson

While it is tempting to remark upon all the poor behaviour and scantily clad women there are on television and in movies, I am opting to go a different route.  Banging on about how these poor role models are harming our children is pointless.

Putting a spotlight on the negative will only bring more attention to it. So, we must look at the positive.

Emma Watson is a positive.


Recently, I stumbled upon a quote by Ms. Watson, who many know from a little known series called Harry Potter, and I thought to myself, "Wow."

A very simple thought, but I was impressed with, not only her opinion, but her strength in expressing herself.

She is, without a doubt, a strong, talented and wonderful woman. I can only hope young girls take a page from her book.

Here is the quote I read:

“I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.” 


February 2, 2012

Expectations

Right up front, I want to let you know what to expect to find on this blog. Since I am a frank sort of woman, I will put this in bullet form, because they deliver the information without excess verbiage. I believe in the one simple rule of not using sentences when you can use bullets.

Without further ado, here are the things I may be posting about in the near future:
  • The three W's (Women, Writing & Witch-hunts)
  • Film Noir
  • Pulp Fiction
  • Vamps, Scamps & Tramp Stamps
  • Sweets
  • Pretty Things
  • Wicked Words
What you will not see posted here: 
  • Reality T.V. 
  • Manly Stuff
  • Calorie Counting Tips
  • Glass Half Full Posts
  • Parenting Tips
  • Relationship Advice
  • Kitten & Puppy Pictures
Above everything else, this blog is for women, about women, by a woman and is dedicated to spreading the truth about being a girl. The world seems to be under this odd impression that we are sugar and spice. As of now, the jig is up. 

The truth must be told.